Beauty

Sometimes beauty is overwhelming. The ability of it to silence all, to bring out previously hidden emotions, and to speak to that which was previously unspoken to is unmatched.

Feels like a fresh start

I never thought that I’d ever get married before now. Actually before this very minute. I was looking at something online and all the sudden I just thought “I should pray for my future husband”. Bam. First time I’ve ever thought about something like that. Marriage and all that jazz was for people who weren’t obese. It was for people who actually were beautiful. It wasn’t for me. People would always be like “oh your time will come!”, and in my head all I would be thinking is “No one will ever want me”. And maybe I won’t get married. Maybe I won’t have that… but maybe I will. It has at least become a possibility. Who I am hasn’t changed because I dropped some weight, but how I think of myself has. I know my identity should not have been the weight. That’s not right. But I didn’t love myself. I knew what I was and I was content to stay that way. I was fat. End of story. I’m not skinny now. I’ve got a long, long way to go. And I don’t completely love myself now, but I feel better about myself. I’m beginning to learn that I am worth it, I am beautiful. I possess something inside of me that is worthy to share with others. I’m not just a fat girl anymore… I’m a recovering fat girl. Recovering and learning that maybe the things I’ve always longed for are not out of my reach…Maybe someday. It feels like a new adventure. Every day is not perfect. Most days I freak out and want to panic. But little by little my heart is changing. Little by little I’m accepting not only who I am, but who God made me to be. I don’t have everything figured out. I don’t know my “purpose”, but I know that I am someone. I am someone.

T.S. Eliot

"Everyone's alone — or so it seems to me.

They make noises, and think they are talking to each other;

They make faces, and think they understand each other.

And I'm sure they don't. Is that a delusion"

Disillusionment

I can't seem to keep my room clean. I cannot concentrate for long periods of time unless my room is clean, but recently I haven't been able to keep it clean. And consequently I haven't been able to concentrate. It's hard for me to focus on things like school and work, mainly because I don't really care about either. I feel like i'm wasting my time. I feel like nothing will ever work out quite the way that i would like it to. I feel like hoping is pointless. I feel like desiring anything other than what I have right now is completely and utterly pointless. I feel like dreaming is worthless.Actually it's less than that. It's worthless in the opposite way. It just makes contentment that much harder because I still dream of more.I dream of much more. I dream of a happy ending. I dream of love. I dream of succeeding instead of failing. I dream of not letting people down. If i could just lower my self-expectations to reality, I may just be able to be happy with my life. I don't understand, but then again, isn't that the story of my life? Not understanding. Sounds about right if you ask me.

Zeppelin never left her, never lied or second guessed her.

I don't wanna be here. Sure, school has it's pros and moments when i'm laughing like a crazy person and enjoying life. Sure, there are people who make me smile and make glad to be around them. Sure, there are classes i love and experiences i will never forget. But i do not want to be here. I have never felt as alone as i do when i'm up at school and every time i go back to school it gets worse. I have no one here that i can actually spill my feelings too who won't take it the wrong way or give me advice on how i need to get my attitude adjusted. I know that sometimes that's true, but dude, i'm by myself. I'm working, and going to school, all without an end goal! don't you dare tell me to smile and just keep trekking. I miss people. I miss watching gilmore girls with Liz, i miss QT runs with Kelley, i miss Pride and Prejudice with Amy. I miss Grandview. I miss being in the youth group and hearing Larramie preach and afterward chillin in the gym until we migrated to McD's to eat french fries and laugh and be so absolutely crazy that i'm sure the staff couldn't stand us. I miss heartfelt chats that last until 3 in the morning. I miss staring at the fake stars on my ceiling and discussing life plans with Liz. I miss feeling like I had all the options in the world. I miss feeling like everything could be fixed. I miss worship. The good worship at grandview where i would spread out to my spot in the gym where there was no one near me and i'd be able to pour my heart out to my creator without a care about appearance or who was close to me. I miss hearing a sermon that spoke to exactly what i needed to hear, and crying my eyes out during the song at the end. I miss that feeling of exhaustion after crying and being praying with the people who were closest to me. No matter what churches i go to, i have yet to find one that has that same spirit of abandon during worship. I miss Z coming into my room at night and grabbing my guitar and playing softly while we talked for hours. i miss listening to him play while he scolded me on my actions or choices or while he told me about how he was worried i was gonna let people beat up on me. Ha, how far i've come from who I was. How different I now am from who i used to be. I miss driving to just drive and somehow always ending up on Blue River Road. I miss watching the disney channel with Liz and making pizza rolls and dividing them between the two of us. I miss just feeling like i was home. Completely and utterly home. I can go home now, but the things i miss are different. People have moved, people have married, stuff has changed. I miss who i used to be. Something has changed in me drastically. I say how i feel, i don't think about things nearly enough, i don't take crap from anyone. I'm guarded. I miss sunday school where we'd sit in the circle and everyone would get so mad at Zach for taking the opposite view point. I miss the things i learned. I miss sunday nights at Stephanie's house. i miss watching the next food network star. I miss a lot of things that no longer exist. I'm homesick for a home that no longer exists. I'm homesick for a me that no longer exists. I'm homesick for a time that is passed. I hate maryville, i hate now, and most of the time I hate me. I hate how weak i am. I hate how i cannot be who i always wish to be. I hate how i have to work that much harder to accomplish the same things people can do with their hands tied. I hate how i say what i think without contemplating the consequences. I hate how i enjoy sleeping in on sundays, but i hate every single church here. I hate how nothing is the same. I hate how i try to be someone i'm not only to reminded that i cannot be that. I hate how often i fail at what i try, and i hate how much it bothers me when i fail. I don't know how to describe it, most of the time i don't think about these things. most of the time i just pretend everything is fine and most of the time i can trick myself too. Most of the time i'm happy. Most of the time, the weeks go by so fast i have barely anytime to breathe let alone time to feel sorry for myself. I'm terrified i'm going to be back to square one when i graduate. And square one is walgreens. I'm terrified i'll do all this for nothing and end up never doing or being what i wanted to do or be.